Breakdown

I dont want to be alone.

I've been going through this, alone, since 18. My family moved, and with them my support group.

The jobs, the fears, the stress, the growing insecurities, the weight. All of it I've had to endure alone. ten years.

Yes, there are friends, acquaintances, people you meet. but with every single one of them i put on a mask. to hide what is going on. The few that know try to be understanding, but it's difficult to understand what one is going through, unless you are in this situation. Then there is the family, my father tries to comfort me with words of hope, my mother with religion, the sisters in their own way. That just makes it harder to feel so weak, and thus it results in another lie.

The strong son. the one who tells them "i know everything will work out". but those words have become meaningless now. just words. I can't tell them how hollow i feel. how scared. how alone i am. Such a thing would break the delicate foundation of hope and strength that allows them to keep going forward. So i push everything deep inside. and i tell everyone i meet. anyone i come in contact with. that it. will. be. ok.

It breaks you, to say that when you dont believe it anymore.

I can no longer connect with people. the emotional attachments i make are fragile, and i easily sever them and move away. it hurts. it hurts too much to have to pretend to be "ok" all the time.

So i've pushed everyone away. keeping them at an arm's length. always on the defense, ready to block any sign of emotional weakness i emit. my bag of tricks: smile. joke. look strong. confident. care free. sure of things. hoping that no one will see through me and call me out on this.

Being two completely different people takes a toll on you.

Enduring this alone, it destroys you from the inside out. until you're nothing but an empty shell.

Recently, i let some one in. i tricked my own mind. i got to thinking about the future. convincing my self that yes things will work out. there will be something. i am not alone anymore. and i was happy. I made the mistake of letting her see the scared me.

But as in everything in my life. things aren't that simple. And so i ask myself, i ask some one something, some force. Why. why would after being alone for such a long time i would find some one only to have to lose them again, being left back in this emptiness.

So what is there left to do but to go back to my shell. to hide once again my emotions, my demons from the world. and to go and put that smile on.

it's not fair. All ive ever wanted in life is a chance. and every chance is just flaunted in my face and then denied, snatched away.

Today I woke with this sick feeling deep inside. "again". the first thought. "smile, look like everything is ok". I don't want to anymore. Im tired of faking it. Im tired of having to pretend to be strong, of smiling and making jokes, when i reality im scared and broken.

Im tired of having to lie. to everyone. I want to just say "hi, yeah im a fucking mess, and this laughter you see, these jokes, this 'confidence' is just a farse. to make you feel like i am ok. But i am not."

In reality i want to release this sorrow with in me. Ironic thing is, i cant for the life of me shed a god damn tear. I can't unload this, it's too deep inside.

Denial. That's what i feel. Who am i kidding. i have NO plan for anything other than today or maybe a week from now. Any reform fails, and once again i will be derailed. Just another blow to the head, just another nail. But look tough. be strong. tell everyone who will listen that everything will be ok and that you are ok.

Well, if anyone is listening, I am not OK.

You win. You've been at it for 20 years, and you broke me.