Thursday, June 25, 2009


I dont want to be alone.

I've been going through this, alone, since 18. My family moved, and with them my support group.

The jobs, the fears, the stress, the growing insecurities, the weight. All of it I've had to endure alone. ten years.

Yes, there are friends, acquaintances, people you meet. but with every single one of them i put on a mask. to hide what is going on. The few that know try to be understanding, but it's difficult to understand what one is going through, unless you are in this situation. Then there is the family, my father tries to comfort me with words of hope, my mother with religion, the sisters in their own way. That just makes it harder to feel so weak, and thus it results in another lie.

The strong son. the one who tells them "i know everything will work out". but those words have become meaningless now. just words. I can't tell them how hollow i feel. how scared. how alone i am. Such a thing would break the delicate foundation of hope and strength that allows them to keep going forward. So i push everything deep inside. and i tell everyone i meet. anyone i come in contact with. that it. will. be. ok.

It breaks you, to say that when you dont believe it anymore.

I can no longer connect with people. the emotional attachments i make are fragile, and i easily sever them and move away. it hurts. it hurts too much to have to pretend to be "ok" all the time.

So i've pushed everyone away. keeping them at an arm's length. always on the defense, ready to block any sign of emotional weakness i emit. my bag of tricks: smile. joke. look strong. confident. care free. sure of things. hoping that no one will see through me and call me out on this.

Being two completely different people takes a toll on you.

Enduring this alone, it destroys you from the inside out. until you're nothing but an empty shell.

Recently, i let some one in. i tricked my own mind. i got to thinking about the future. convincing my self that yes things will work out. there will be something. i am not alone anymore. and i was happy. I made the mistake of letting her see the scared me.

But as in everything in my life. things aren't that simple. And so i ask myself, i ask some one something, some force. Why. why would after being alone for such a long time i would find some one only to have to lose them again, being left back in this emptiness.

So what is there left to do but to go back to my shell. to hide once again my emotions, my demons from the world. and to go and put that smile on.

it's not fair. All ive ever wanted in life is a chance. and every chance is just flaunted in my face and then denied, snatched away.

Today I woke with this sick feeling deep inside. "again". the first thought. "smile, look like everything is ok". I don't want to anymore. Im tired of faking it. Im tired of having to pretend to be strong, of smiling and making jokes, when i reality im scared and broken.

Im tired of having to lie. to everyone. I want to just say "hi, yeah im a fucking mess, and this laughter you see, these jokes, this 'confidence' is just a farse. to make you feel like i am ok. But i am not."

In reality i want to release this sorrow with in me. Ironic thing is, i cant for the life of me shed a god damn tear. I can't unload this, it's too deep inside.

Denial. That's what i feel. Who am i kidding. i have NO plan for anything other than today or maybe a week from now. Any reform fails, and once again i will be derailed. Just another blow to the head, just another nail. But look tough. be strong. tell everyone who will listen that everything will be ok and that you are ok.

Well, if anyone is listening, I am not OK.

You win. You've been at it for 20 years, and you broke me.


  1. I know you are not OK. because I feel your pain.Reading your words brings tears to my eyes and its OK to cry but remember its not OK to break down your dreams.
    To bring out the best shine in Gold you have to put it through immense heat and then it is purified and molded into a jewel as in a necklace.You are that precious metal going through purification and if you can just stand this heat you will be one of the most precious jewels this country has.
    Hang in there.They can break your heart but they can't break your soul.Your future is Golden for its not them but you who are going to make it.

  2. doood, i am here for you. mi casa es su casa when you're in LB, ok? holla at me if you need me. peace.

  3. uh... abcblahblahblah is deanna. LOL

  4. from my experience, I found that dedicating my life to others helps put things in perspective. I want to devote my life to animals and helping others and in turn that has helped me make peace with what you are struggling through. It's hard to explain what's going on because once you have that understanding you'll know what I'm talking about. The answer isn't going to be easy to figure out or easy to rebuild yourself again, but you can do it in due time. Life will guide you to where you need to be and you need to be aware of that other wise you'll end up missing out. You have to be trucha and keep an eye out because that's the only way we can truly make progress. Life is like a box of chocolates, you'll never know what you get. You have to look beyond what is wrong with you and see that's there's nothing wrong with you. It's all hard to explain but I know that you'll get the enlightenment you need in due time.