Friday, September 18, 2009

That Weight

I've written about it before. That feeling of suffocation that grips me in the morning and refuses to let me go. Those mornings in which i wake up at 4, in a cold sweat, my heart racing because of anxiety.

They used to be few and far between. Maybe once every few months, but as time has passed they have become more constant. almost to the point where they are a daily occurrence. It's hard to describe this.

My eyes just open. the dim lit room feels surprisingly small. my chest is heaving, and there is pressure on its center. Like a hand that is pushing down. Sweat covers my body. there is a cold bitter hollowness that consumes me. i feel my body, especially my hands, shaking. My whole body becomes very receptive to the slightest touch or movement. my breathing is rapid. the loneliness is amplified.

It's obvious that this is caused by the stress my undocumented status bears. Mainly the fact that, my i have zero control over my life here (i know. i know. most would argue either i do, or that no one has control of their life). It is brought upon by the thoughts and subconscious realizations that i am in Pause mode. And that everything is contingent on some variable that is so far from being with in my control.

My biggest concern is that if when this ever passes and my status gets resolved, i will still have this weight that wakes me from my sleep.

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